Cars / Lists / Randomness

Top 5 Cars Least Likely to be Stolen

top-5_cars-least-likely-to-be-stolen_thumbnail

Every year about this time, the National Insurance Crime Bureau releases its list of America’s most stolen cars. I always chuckle at the predictable (but apparently desirable) array of sedans and SUV’s that top the list. For 2009, the Honda Civic and Accord, Toyota Camry, and Ford F-150 sit atop the heap. It got me thinking… what modern cars would best repel would-be thieves?

5. Toyota Prius – The Prius would make a very stealthy and quiet getaway, but (with a 0-60 of around 10 seconds) not a very speedy one. And I doubt very much that Joy Riding Johnny would steal the car for a raucous night of hypermiling. True, a complete car has quite a bit of value, but if our felonious friend was trying to strip it for parts, he might discover the market for hot Prius bits is a little sleepy.

top-5_cars-least-likely-to-be-stolen_prius

4. New Beetle – I once owned a 2000 GLS in yellow and learned something about owning a bright car. Despite your disposition, a yellow car forces you into a good mood. Trust me when I tell you that it’s not as much of a perk as you might think. Sometimes you just want to be angry! Grand Theft Auto Gary would pop the lock on the VW, turn the car on, and as the happy-bubble-gum sounds of ABBA or The Osmonds filled the car, drive himself straight to the police station. It would be like a force-fed bowl of maple syrup with a cherry and three sugar cookies on top. These cars are just too happy to be stolen.

top-5_cars-least-likely-to-be-stolen_beetle

3. Pontiac Aztek – This scenario just keeps playing my mind… Burglar Bob drives quickly through the night to the secret chop shop to begin gutting and stripping his stolen Aztek. As he pulls in, the other crooks can’t stop laughing at the sheer hideousness of the car and fail to scatter when the police raid starts. All are arrested and Burglar Bob goes down in history as perhaps the only person to attempt stealing a car that has more problems than Sean Connery on Celebrity Jeopardy. The owners are devastated to find out their Aztek wasn’t stripped or torched, and cry the day it is returned to them in the same condition as when it was stolen. They are forced to return the insurance check they were going to use for a down payment on a real car, like a Kia Rio.

top-5_cars-least-likely-to-be-stolen_aztek

2. Subaru Baja – Quite possibly the least useful car/truck (cruck?) ever. The bed was too short to haul anything and most of the units sold were well-appointed with leather and other nice touches making the cabin impractical for those trips to Home Depot. Another thing going against the Baja is the fact most came in a two tone pattern with bulging, plasticky trim pieces that made the car resemble a low-budget Space Shuttle. Plus, you can spot a Baja from a mile away, making it a poor choice for Sneaky Sam to steal.

top-5_cars-least-likely-to-be-stolen_baja

There are so many good choices for my number one. The Renault LeCar, the 88′-93′ Pontiac LeMans, the Ford Aspire. I had to mine the depths of car trivia to remember the one car in which no self-respecting thief would ever be caught dead…

1. The Dodge/Chrysler/Plymouth Neon – To be fair, the Neon started life as an interesting, affordable, economical car with a few (albeit far between) high points. However, Hijack Harry would have a hard time stealing one, not for the plethora of useless and worthless parts, but because of the poor condition so many of them are in! Transmission, engine, and electrical problems plague the Neon (to say nothing of the horrible styling and flimsy materials). I suppose if Hijack Harry’s only goal was to head straight to the recycler, a Neon might net him a tidy $100, but for the risk and time involved, why not just get a real job and buy one of the thousands available today for less than a grand?

top-5_cars-least-likely-to-be-stolen_neon

So there you have it, my attempt at humorously deciding which cars out there would be the least stolen and why. Jump in the conversation and add your thoughts!

Tags: / / / /

12 Comments

  1. I actually like the baja… rofl!!

  2. I didn’t even know the Pontiac Aztek exsisted… My life will never be the same again!

  3. Dodge came out with the Neon SR4 that was intended to whop ass on those rice rocket imports (but never did). I’m ashamed of myself for knowing that…

  4. Jennifer says:

    Maybe if it was a Turbo Beetle or the SR$ like Tim says… those might have a higher chance of getting stolen.

  5. There was coolnes in the Subaru Brat. T-tops, the seats in the back.. the Baja, not so much

    • I loved the Brat. My neighbor growing up in Oklahoma had one and I though it was so cool to be able to ride in the back with seatbelts! It just looked like a car all the radical far out dudes with neon pants and hypercolor t-shirts would drive. To this day I would still buy one if it was in decent shape!

  6. Turbo Beetle- Happy car with an attitude (positive attitude that is)…

  7. You could leave the keys in, walk away, and leave for a week. and the tow company will still find you. Ha ha

  8. The Pontiac Aztek….now we know what happened to the Edsel design group!

  9. Car booster says:

    happy-bubblegum popping sounds..haha i like that..
    actually i’d boost the new vw beetle..for a joy ride!

  10. Hello,I check your new stuff named “Top 5 Cars Least Likely to be Stolen | In My Garage” regularly.Your humoristic style is awesome, keep up the good work! And you can look our website about proxy list.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*